Looking for that lost girl with stolen dreams

Dreams ! ! ! What are they ? WHY ? WHEN ?

Basically, I had big dreams before ! REALLY BIG that you could HUG them ! I wanted them so bad that occasionally cried_ happy/sad tears whenever  I see other people living my dreams ! For instance, CARRIE UNDERWOOD, one of the most awesome singers in the world…. I watched her videos… I smiled .. I clapped … I cried… I wanna be as good as her ! I wanna accomplish great things !

WHY ???  SINGING ! It’s the only time that I can be myself ! When I’m not singing, I’m not 100% me !  Because when I’m singing, the whole stupid world around me disappear. It brought me to another land where the wind is blowing and I’m at top of a beautiful hill … skies are blue… some fluffy clouds passing over my head…. birds singing along and the world is perfect !!

Yeah .. those are a dream of a young girl… who can’t pass a day without singing. So you finished school. You started working and that’s when my world came tumbling down… Everyday is useless and same ….

Wake up …. Go to work… work work work work work …… Come back home late… Late dinner… Take a bath… SLEEP

REPEAT the whole thing !

I have a roommate. OK I’m a foreigner away from home. I have a landlady and their family living in same flat. How am I gonna sing with those people!? My poor little black guitar standing in one corner , looking at me like I’ve abandoned her.  I have a lot of friends but most of them make fun of me … joke about me singing… and think I’m crazy… 1 year ago… whenever they do that .. ” I don’t care if I’m classified as CRAZY as long as it’s for my dreams… I can’t stop.” But now it feels like that girl is long gone…. WHERE IS SHE ?? She’s gone along with her stolen crushed dreams… Life had stole them and crushed them into pieces. May be if there is a good quality glue and enough hard work, we can put them back together.

I’m still thinking whether I should look for her again or just let her go …

© Sydney(This Mocking Bird)

image from socialmediabuff.com

Heavenly Day for Kelly and Brandon

I was watching Kelly Clarkson’s wedding video and heard the song playing in the background. WOW ! I’m a fan of Patty Griffin now !

” Oh, heavenly day
All the clouds blew away
Got no trouble today with anyone

The smile on your face, I live only to see
It’s enough for me, baby, it’s enough for me
Oh, heavenly day, heavenly day, heavenly day… ”

I’m so happy for Kelly and Brandon! Love this woman and this man looks like a nice guy! The wedding video was so beautiful too. All the best❤

To My Dear Little Sister

regrets

My little Shoonie,

Today is the day that I really accepted that I blew it up ! BIG TIME ! I went out with him after quite some time of not meeting up with him at all … for like 2 months. We are still good friends. Well, we always were. He just finished his basic military training. May be that was the reason he was acting kinda different…? Like more mature and less fun … not like he used to .. not like someone that I used to know ? I don’t know.

We talked about this that as usual.. yea.. and he said “I’m officially SINGLE now! ” . I was like “U were always SINGLE” as far as I know. That was when he told me he was going out with Sally, his another so-called BEST FRIEND. But now he thinks that he deserves someone better, prettier or whatever. I feel bad for Sally though. He kinda sounds like he wanted to bring that shit up again , the shit that he started 3 years ago , asking me if i’ll be staying single at this age of 22…? But his other lines are like … I’m also not the one that he could click with and stuffs like that. That’s when I really know that things between us have really changed.

3 years ago, we were fun and ridiculous weird and sung Xtina’s “CANDYMAN” together and didn’t care what our classmates would say. We were the closet friends! Then he confessed, in a TEXT MESSAGE! Pretty Lame. NO!! REALLY LAME! What can I say? It was too fast and too wrong a way to do that. I was young, just started school … too many things to think.. and I really thought too much.

Sometimes thinking too much can get you in trouble and you won’t know where it will lead. For me, that trouble comes 3 years later… when the burning flame had left and all I have now is a mess of ashes. REGRET! Regret not for letting one good guy passed by, but for not letting my heart do the job. Regret for not giving love a chance. Falling hard and getting hurt won’t be that bad… now I wonder. Even if there was a second chance, I don’t want it anymore. I don’t need it. The fire has gone… Do I sound really complicated ? Well I’m confused with myself too.

So my little girl… if there’s someone walks pass by you and if he stopped and smiles at you, and wait for you to smile him back, please do so. You’ll never know if you don’t try. I’m sure you don’t want to end up like me . I learnt it in a hard way.
Give your heart a chance sometimes.

With All the Love in the World,

Sydney

From the poem “The War Photo” by Margaret Atwood

Now though it seems like I am asking
And you are answering

Why is the tree dying?
It’s dying for the lack of truth.

Who has blocked up the wells of truth?
Those with the guns.

What if they kill all those with no guns?
Then they will kill each other.

When will there be compassion?
When the dead tree flowers.

When will the dead tree flowers
When you take my hand.

This is the kind of thing
That goes on only in poetry
You are right to be suspicious of me:
I can’t speak your absence for you.

(Why is it then I can hear you so clearly?)

Your Children Cut Their Hands

Your children cut their hands on glass
by reaching through the mirror
where the beloved one was hiding.

You weren’t expecting this:
you thought they wanted happiness,
not laceration.

You thought the happiness
would appear simply, without effort
or any kind of work,

like a bird call
or a pathside flower
or a school of silvery fish

but now they’ve cut themselves
on love, and cry in secret,
and your own hands go numb

because there’s nothing you can do,
because you didn’t tell them not to
because you didn’t think

you needed to
and now there’s all this broken glass
and your children stand red-handed

still clutching at moons and echoes
and emptiness and shadow,
the way you did.

-Margaret Atwood